Meet Dan, a single guy who finds himself in an extraordinary position with many of the women in his life. They talk to him and tell him what they want. Some of them want to have sensual experiences with him. As he learned about Deliberate Orgasm and the technique of DOing, his sensual skills got sharper. He hones in on key points to respond to the age-old question, “What does a woman want in a man?” In this interview he candidly describes the answer.
How would you describe DOing to someone who had never heard about it?
Describing DOing, I guess an easy way to describe it would be to tell someone that both people put their attention on one person’s pleasure and they agree to that. It’s a deliberate thing. You’re not just probably going to do this. You are going to do it. Both people are going to put their attention on that one person’s orgasm.
What do you notice in your own body when you are DOing?
I can feel her orgasm. It’s there the whole time. It intensifies and de-intensifies. I have had a lot of dates with Emma, so I am going to use that as an example. To start out, we talk and I can feel the ride beginning as soon as I start putting my attention on her pussy. I can tell when her attention goes to her pussy. She’ll be talking about stuff, like how was your day and I like your boots and then Whoomp, I feel her feeling her pussy and I know that’s where we are going.
I’ll start rubbing her leg and we have a lot of fun things we do. Sometimes I’ll use her pussy as a focal point and run my hand around it. Then when I get the lube out I have a couple of different ways of applying it. It’s been fun to surprise her a little bit. Sometimes I will let it fall onto her pussy. I can feel it, the ride begin then and the whole time my body feels really turned on. Yeah, I can feel the connection.
I have a really strong connection with my right index finger and her pussy. I can feel it right now as we are talking about it. It’s hard to describe, it’s a really good feeling. My whole body feels turned on. I’m sweating thinking about her, my whole body feels alive.
I’ve had sex, intercourse. You get your whole body into it and it’s a fun little work out and you do different things with her legs. This is great. She rides you and it’s fun. But that feeling you get with your finger on her clit, it’s like, as long as your attention is really on her clit and your attention is on her body. You can feel when her attention is wavering and you call her on it. Keep her attention on her own pussy. There’s nothing like that. It’s more addicting than any drug, anything ever. More than cigarettes, 12 years, I stopped because I want to continue to have dates and continue to put my finger on her clit.
I don’t think I’ll ever be with a woman for the rest of my life and not have DO dates with her because it feels so fucking good for me. That’s what I get out of it and I damn well know what she gets out of it. It’s really fun for her.
My whole body feels turned on, my whole body feels good. I feel good right now talking about it, thinking about her, thinking about our date tomorrow. I feel all of that. Right now I can feel flushing in my body.
When you first heard about DOing what were your thoughts about it?
I remember thinking, what is this? At my first BenchMark and hearing about it I could tell, when the person was talking about it on the hot seat, a woman was talking. They were taking us on quite a ride and it sounded like a really fun thing. That was my first time really hearing about the strokes and about peaking. It definitely piqued my interest.
At first it sounded weird, like why don’t we just fuck? It seems like she gets off just fine. I was thinking about my ex-girlfriend and I was thinking she got off just fine when we were having sex. She told me that. That was what I thought at first.
In what ways have your perceptions of women and DOing changed since you started DOing?
My perceptions have changed because I was given reality on the fact that all orgasm in a woman’s body comes from the clit and given reality on that because I have tried other things. I have enjoyed DOing and peaking. So I am a researcher and I have been having fun peaking by rubbing my finger around the inner labia. There is sensation there, there’s definitely sensation, but you can feel her body when you put your finger back on her clit. Especially after you go around the world, so to speak. It brings her way up and it feels really good.
How is the sensation unique when touching the clitoris?
You could feel her entire body into it, when you rub your hand along a woman’s leg or on her neck or on her breasts you can know she feels it, where your hand is. But when your hand is on her clit, her entire body is involved in that process. Her whole being is there with you and you can really feel her entire body come alive and it feels good in my body.
What do you attribute that to, that her whole entire body comes alive?
Because the sensation is there. You learn through the Welcomed Consensus or you look it up, there are more nerve endings in her clit than anywhere else in the body, so it’s science. All these nerve endings are there for a reason. One of the things that Sheri likes to say, blast out there, is that the clit is there only for pleasure. I can’t think of any other use for it. You don’t need it in the vagina, not for reproduction at all. And in fact it really doesn’t get much use during sex unless you are deliberate about it, other than the back side inside. Anyway, it feels good.
How have your relationships with women changed since you started DOing?
Well, I had DO dates last summer and after that there was a subtle change in me. I mean there was an immediate change right after and then it evened out to where it was much more subtle. I just wanted to give a woman an orgasm. At first it was sort of like I wanted to do it for me. I wanted to feel that feeling, wanted to give them that feeling and make orgasm a priority. But I am going to go do these other things.
So, my relationships with women changed because I was noticing more things about them. Then when I took the Common Sensuality course again I remember walking in and seeing Emma. The first time I had seen her was right after those DO dates last summer. I had taken the TLC course. After the TLC I held a couple of BenchMarks at my house and she came. Boy I was interested in that, in getting my hands on her pussy. I didn’t know what I felt. I knew that she had feelings too, she was interested, but at the time she wasn’t ready to really hear the material.
We’ve talked about it since then and it has really been an eye opener for me. She said specifically “I could feel you and it was a lot. I could feel you very strongly and I remember I could feel you wanting to come talk to me on the break. Then you did and it felt really good.” We tried to hook up using text messaging a bit and it never really panned out. I kind of gave up and I thought, I’ll just see her later. Then that weekend I walked into the Common Sensuality Course and I saw her and thought “This is why I took this course.” As soon as I walked in, I felt her. I felt her the whole weekend. Then we had our first date the following Friday.
How did that first date go?
I used a lot of tools that The Welcomed Consensus has given me. Control is agreement, I kept flashing on that all week. Because I was not in agreement with that, I was nervous. It came about because I asked her for the date.
She had declared on the second day of the Common Sensuality Course that she wanted a research partner. I thought Wow. There’d been some connection between us since then. I knew when she said that she was talking about me and she said that afterwards, that she was. Another person asked her first though. That was my first pang of jealousy, it felt really good. It made me feel like she wants a lot of orgasm. So I asked her that Tuesday. I kind of was beating around the bush at first so to speak, saying “How about we go out to dinner.” I could tell that she pulled it out of me. She knew what I was thinking. There was no question in her mind what we were going to do. She just wanted me to say it and so once I said it, it was declared.
So that first night… First, I spent all week getting my room ready. I bought pillows, sheets candles, chocolate. I cleaned my entire room, wiped down all the wood on my bed, did it to that level. Built this wonderful nest for her to come over to. She got there and she had on a black coat which is a short coat and she had on a sexy dress underneath. Under the dress she had on a bustier and she had thigh highs on as well and big boots. She was dressed to go out. She was dressed to impress and she did impress. I was very excited.
When we got upstairs, we chatted for a little while. And we decided to have that DO date. I felt like a little kid. I was like “Woah man!” and then I flashed on all of my training as far as taking the TLC last summer, but also feeling where she was at. Using the Common Sensuality course I had just taken, I was feeling her tumescence and being deliberate with my motions and safe porting everything. It was fun.
I flashed a lot on the TLC though, remembering where I had won. I remember flashing on all these things and having these fun memories and then putting those into action. Also I flashed on a conversation that I had had with Rachael earlier in the week she said set a time. And I did. So I said “We are going to have a five minute date.”
We had a five minute date and then we went out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant that I really like. Having my attention on her the whole time felt really good. It was a bustling busy place. We were there talking for a couple hours. We had a great dinner then got back in the cab and went back to my house where we had a couple more DO dates. She said, “I’d like to stay here.” and she passed out asleep right then and there. It was great. The next morning we had a couple more DO dates. After we finished I realized how she was dressed and felt where she was at. She didn’t want to get on public transit to go all the way back to her house and deal with that, so I rented a Zipcar and drove her home. It was wonderful.
When you felt nervous first, how did that transition from performance anxiety to DOing her?
Through thinking about it and me deliberately doing it. I did have performance anxiety at first. I didn’t think that I was going to be bad at DOing. The truth is I had these tools. I knew that that was going to go well and I also knew that no matter how badly I performed, my finger was going to touch her clit. She was going to feel good. So, my focus was simply on her. I wanted it to feel really good inside her body and I wanted her to enjoy me rubbing her clit. In being deliberate about putting my attention on her and knowing that that was what needs to happen for a date, so that’s what I did.
So it was pretty immediate, once we got into my room, it was like, it’s time. No more fucking around. I need to put my attention on her and not be a scared little kid anymore and that was when the fun started.
What is the difference between having a girlfriend and having a research partner?
With a girlfriend, you are sleeping with her, if you’re living with her. Your time might be completely monopolized by them and you may feel like it is obligatory to spend a lot of time with them and buy them things. That is a really good question. It feels like we are having more fun. I am having more fun with Emma as her friend. We talk about the dates that she has with other people. She was unsure how I would take that at first, but it’s fun to talk about her dates. It’s fun to talk about what a woman wants from a man. I’ve told her that I know who she wants to have a date with most and it was fun to see her whole body light up and get turned on by that. Then we had a date and I was like, “This is okay.”
If she was my girlfriend, I don’t think it would be as much fun. Also I can talk to her about women that I am interested in and there’s not this set of restrictions there or expectations. We chatted this morning on my phone, she has strep throat. I could feel where she was going with the conversation. She talked about the energy that she has felt this weekend. I told her that I was thinking about a very specific popping of her clit that I know she really likes. This is something that I was thinking about yesterday. We are going to have a date when I get back home, so even though she has strep throat, that is going to happen. I am going to go DO her and that’s a hell of a lot better than bringing over chicken noodle soup!
In what ways have your perceptions of women in general changed?
To start off with, I am still learning and I don’t think you ever stop learning, which is a fun thought. It’s a winning viewpoint. One example, I am riding my bike and someone is just not paying attention and oh my god and it’s a woman. It’s springtime and she’s clearly all over the place and she’s tumesced out of her mind. So, I can approve of that. I can approve of her, as opposed to six months ago, me being pissed off.
Here’s another specific example. I was in the park with a couple of friends and they were on stilts. My friend jogs up and she says, “I fucking can’t believe this! Damn it I have no cereal. This is bullshit! Could you just get some cereal? I don’t have any money on me…” She clearly is fucking tumesced out of her mind, ready to pop at any moment. But instead of getting angry back at her, like I could have done, I just listened to her. I was taking in what she was saying and I just walked up behind her and used a taking touch on her shoulders with both my hands. Then I began massaging her shoulders and I could feel her come down.
Her whole day went better because of that. My day went better because of that. My day right now is going better because I am flashing on that feeling that I got of being a man who is a friend to a woman. It makes me feel good.
How do you distinguish between approving of a woman and wanting to change her or fix her somehow?
Fixing her has been a huge thing that I have been flashing about in my mind since the Common Sensuality course. Don’t fix her. She doesn’t need fixing. A woman doesn’t need fixing and that is huge. That has become my personal internal credo, and then do whatever it is that I am going to do or then I approve. That’s the first thing that I think of. It’s working well for me. It is a viewpoint that I am being deliberate about now and I am looking forward to making it a part of who I am. And I need to be deliberate about it. I am training myself to feel that way because normally I would just think, “Man, she’s being a total bitch right now, I can’t believe her.”
My friend’s fiancé, who is also a close friend of mine, is losing her mind and I haven’t really had a chance to talk to her. She is a student with 18 credits, has a fulltime job. Her whole world is work, crying, and being upset about it, not using Facebook anymore because it’s distracting. ARRRHhhhhh! I can feel that in her. Her guy comes by and runs his BS about her. I listen and approve the whole time Let him run his BS and I think about her, caring about her and I approve. In my mind, I think about how much fun it would be to be a friend to her, bring her down. Even it if is just letting her run her shit, and approve of that.
Approving of her is so valuable. I’ve known her for years and I know where she is at. She needs someone to approve. That’s a hard conversation to have with him. Like “Hey, you need to just approve of her being a bitch and get over it and tell her you love her and actually approve, because she knows the difference between you actually approving and you saying you are approving and you’re not approving at all.”
I might call her on it, tell her she’s being a bitch, hex her about it, but at the same time approve of her. She knows– she knows she’s being a bitch. Actually listening to her, she knows when I have my attention on her and I am actually listening and when I am not. Damn it, she knows. You think it would be so much easier, but it’s not supposed to be easy. Women are amazing and you need to listen to them. You need to hear what they are saying and approve of whatever they are saying. Recognize when it is BS and approve of that. Approve of them spewing all their bullshit and just don’t buy it.
What are the mechanics of approving, how do you do it?
My friend Myrinda really wanted to hang out. I know what that means. She really wants to bitch about a lot of stuff. I mean, I knew what it was going to be about, what she was going to complain about and sure enough, she is having man problems. I’m friends with her boyfriend too, but I’m much better friends with her so I’ve been her shoulder. Six months ago I would have engaged with her while she was bitching. I would’ve agreed or offered advice, just really getting into it and wallowing in her shit like a pig in the mud.
What did I do instead? Well, as we were walking, I was thinking about her- “You care a lot.” While I was listening, I was thinking about how she loves people and how she puts her attention and intention on her friends when they are traveling because she wants them to have a safe trip. I noticed her and how pretty her hair looked. And when she was crying, I could see the reflection in each streetlamp of her tears against her makeup. Then Wow, her makeup is really good. And she’s complaining about him not coming home and never doing the dishes and I’m noticing the clacking of her boots and enjoying the way she loves that purse she’s carrying.
That’s what I do. I don’t know if that is going to work for everybody. Or if that is what you’re supposed to do, but that’s what I do.
I’m still taking in all of her, listening to all of her bullshit, but I am not going to give her any reality on it. No, absolutely not. I know that she doesn’t need fixing. She doesn’t need to be fixed, and it’s been empowering to the women that I talk to, that I converse with, that I have fun with. It’s been fun to spend time with my women friends.
People like to use the term “friend zone”. It’s huge, it’s big on the internet, it’s a thing. What it means is that say you really like a girl, and then she puts you in the “friend zone” and so you’re just friends. So, that’s kind of what my relationship with Myrinda is like.
I do that with women. The reason that I’ve done that with women is because I am trying to fix them. I knew that by me coming from that place of fixing all of the women in my life and giving them advice, I mean shit, I wanted to fix them. That’s what I always wanted to do. I wanted to help them. That’s like at my core being and I want to make people happy. One way to make people happy is to give them this fantastic advice that surely will fix their life. But really it just means that I am just not going to get any pussy. They are going to want to keep me around.
I have a huge number of women friends from all over the place. Sure they want to be my friend because I am really good at listening and I actually hear what they say – because I want to fix them. You can’t fix something unless you know the problem. But I don’t do that anymore. I stopped myself, cold turkey. It’s hard, it’s fucking really hard. I’ve bit my tongue a few times.
Now my relationships with my women friends have changed dramatically. It’s fun being better friends with them– all women. It doesn’t have to be a woman that I’m trying to get my hands on, my sister, my mother. They are women and there’s nothing wrong with them. Each woman I know, she is a woman. I don’t need to fix her. There’s nothing wrong with her, I just need to approve and in the case of my sister, love her and she’s my friend, know how much she adds to my life. She’s always wanted the best for me.
In what areas of your life do you feel like the viewpoints of Deliberate Orgasm have affected you?
There are the big changes that have happened. I’ve smoked cigarettes for 12 years and that is done. It feels really good in my body. I haven’t been drinking or smoking weed because I don’t want to. At any time I could get an offer for a fun date and so I don’t want to be inebriated. I want to be ready for that and I want to put my attention on her. So those are the big changes. But more subtle is that I feel fulfilled. I feel like I am a full person.
I stopped masturbating mostly. Well, I still do it, but I spend a lot more time just enjoying my cock and having fun scratching and rubbing and then that’s it. Whereas before, it was like at least once a day, I would rub and I would cum every time. It was fun, for like 16 years, that was good. But after starting to have DO dates it’s something that I noticed. It was subtle at first, but then I realized, I’m really not masturbating like I used to.
I think about the tools that I have from the Common Sensuality exercises. It’s something that I was looking forward to doing more, putting my attention on my own body. Those exercise instructions, I have with me. I have done visiting dignitary for Emma to come over to my house and it feels really good to do that. The only difference of course is that she always makes it.
As a man, how has this craft of DOing affected your life?
I might as well be walking on platform heels. Like I’m king of the world. I walk around the city and ride my bike and I feel the springtime and all the tumescence. Because I have done it, I walk around knowing beyond a reasonable doubt that I can get a woman off better than she can get herself off. And as a DOer who is going to continually get better at DOing, I am going to continually get her off in a way that she has never imagined. Why? Because no one has ever put their attention on her pussy like that, on her like that without their attention on their dick, or on their own pussy. I don’t care if she’s a lesbian, whoever she has been with.
Every time that I have ever been with a woman and I’ve played with her pussy a little bit, all I was thinking about the whole time was “Man I want to get my dick inside.” So I know that’s what you’re thinking about. I mean, wearing tight pants and having them rub against your clit is fun too, but it’s not as much fun as my hand and my whole body interested in getting you off. That is my focus and that is what I am thinking.
So, I walk around and I feel a confidence that you can’t get anywhere else. You can’t get that confidence anywhere else, because women will tell you, they will give you BS and we men buy it. “Oh I got off twice.” “Oh yeah, you did…” And the whole next day you’re bragging, I got her off twice! She didn’t get off twice. She didn’t get off at all. I say she’s good at acting. She made you think you got her off twice, but your attention was on yourself the whole time so you don’t even know. Even when she told you that, your attention was on yourself and how good you are. But I know.