There are many facets I could touch upon when describing what being a free woman means to me. The political arena provides so much to debate and examine about freedom for women. The complexities of that topic are well known. However, what I will focus on here is personal. It is an outlook about being a free woman that actively informs my every day interactions. I have experienced the value of being responsible and choosing to be free. I’ve learned from other women, made this perspective my own and pass it along here.
Like many young women in our society, I have been conditioned to think that one day, ‘Mr. Right’ will come along, sweep me off my feet, and we will live happily ever after. Or so the fairytale goes. The stars align, and you go from waiting to be happy under the right circumstances, to seemingly out of the blue having all your dreams come true.
I have found this fairy tale unrealistic, and costly. I could have spent my whole life waiting for someone to fit neatly into what my ideal partner is like, only to be disappointed when that person never appears. If you do happen to find a partner, there are still societal constraints on the relationship of boyfriend/girlfriend and husband/wife, certain things you can and cannot say and do. Recently, the conversation of equal rights and the orgasm gap has been more prominent in our society and through different forms of media.
Contrary as it may seem, I do not consider myself a feminist.
Growing up, one of the prevailing messages I heard about being a feminist was the importance of getting angry about being treated with inequality, to use that anger and power to make social and political changes. We, as women, are told to ‘fight for our rights,’ to direct our anger and energy towards standing up to men and the patriarchal system we live in. However, in my experience being angry only leads to destruction, and there is already plenty of that in the world.
It is in that choice, to experience pleasure or not, that I exercise my freedom as a woman.
No matter the circumstances, I have the power to choose what I have my attention on. In every situation, there is a choice for pleasure or for pain. By choosing to have my pleasure, my orgasm, as a priority in my life, I am a free woman. In this way, I can create good in the world.
Being a free woman means exercising my choice of how I want to feel, in any and every situation.
No matter what is going on around me, I have the power to decide how I feel about it. Take death, for instance; we are conditioned to view death negatively, that death is a bad thing, something to feel sad about when a loved one dies. But what if there was another option? I’ve discovered that there is.
Similarly, with sensuality and orgasm, women are taught their desire is either too much or too little, the slut/prude conundrum we are familiar with. We either want too much, or not enough. In our society, a woman’s desires and orgasm is rarely right exactly the way it is. However, I’ve realized that is an option too, to approve of myself, exactly the way I am, and to know what I want–whatever that may be–is right.
It is my responsibility to approve of my desires, my orgasm, and the sensations I feel in my body.
I am responsible for my orgasm and my happiness. No one can make me happy, except myself. I can decide to be happy, to be pleasured by the world around me, and that is powerful. Deliberately choosing to operate from pleasure has the power to positively influence the world on many levels.
It is my responsibility to feel as much sensation as I want to feel.
To have it feel as good as I want, to be gratified by the experiences I have and to make certain I have everything I want. One way to have all of the sensual experiences I want is being ready to have them. Part of being ready for a sensual experience is feeling good. For example, feeling the sensitivity and engorgement in my clit before laying down on the bed. Part of my responsibility for my orgasm is making those nerve endings easily accessible to my partner, my DOer, through acknowledging the sensual contact I want. By putting my attention on what feels good, and on my clitoris, I can have as much as I am willing to have.
That’s the beauty of being a free woman. Making the choice of how I want to feel is a moment by moment decision, ongoing and ever present. It takes guts to choose to be happy and pleasured by the world around me, no matter what the circumstances. But it’s worth it.