Tossing and Turning at Night Led Me to This

The last few nights have been sleepless.

Well, nearly. I sleep. I wake. I toss and turn. I feel the edge of stress and fear and worry deep in my body.

I talk to God. I ask him to take this fear. It lessens for a moment, but deep in my nervous system, I’m rattled.

And then last night, in the midst of all this restlessness, I realized I hadn’t really hugged anyone other than my kiddo in a few days.

I love cuddles with my kid. But our hugs these days, while a blast of intense love, are not long and deep and filled with breath. He’s quickly up and at ’em to chase a bug or to see what his dinos are up to.

And I really, really need adult, real deal hugs.

Connor has this book that his dad gave him called “The Hug That Got Stuck.” It’s so awesome. It about the importance of hugs – giving and receiving them. It’s all about how much we thrive when we are filled up on hugs, and how the world slowly loses its light without them.

So what is a woman to do when in social distancing practices, her partner is in another city, and is deeply in need of touch?

As I laid there last night, tracing with my awareness into the depths and contours of the sensations of stress and fear deep in my system, I suddenly exhaled in relief, remembering exactly what I needed.

I reached down and touched myself.

I let go of going to any fantasy to turn me on, and I just lovingly touched myself and gave myself my full attention and love.

The pleasure and the love flowed like warm honey through my entire nervous system.

I breathed and let myself fill up on my own love.

My rattled nervous system slowly turned to velvet.

In the ride of my own sensuality, I found deep, abiding peace.

And I remembered.

I remembered that God/Goddess gave us pleasure not only to inspire us to procreate, and to connect, but also to experience the love and the depth of peace that lives in every moment.

There was no rush to orgasm, though that would have been great I’m sure. There was just…loving. Loving and holding and soothing.

This morning as I’m writing this, I remember back to when I was a new mother, lying on my side on the bed, nursing my tiny baby. The sunlight poured through the window and slid over the bed, warming us with its rays. The birds chirped. The wind rustled in the trees.

Suddenly, in that state of perfect peace, I felt a rush of sensual pleasure and love through my entire body as my baby nursed from my breast.

It was a healing moment for me as I realized that sensuality – sexuality – at its core, in its purest essence, is love. Divine, nourishing love.

When I was a little girl, we would go on Sundays to our local Baptist church. I didn’t care so much for what was said, but I loved the ritual that ensued each Sunday morning sitting on those pews with my mom. I would lay my head on my mom’s lap and she would take her long red manicured nails and slowly, slowly trace around my ear, in my ear, over and over, sending me into a deep trance of peace as the pleasure and love of it filled my entire body.

Sensual pleasure is here to love and soothe and nurture us. Always. And for sure during times of social unrest and uncertainty. It’s free. It’s healthy. And it’s holy.

So, if you are out there, perhaps alone, socially distancing yourself right now – and thank you for doing that – but you’re feeling wonky and weird and afraid, know that you are not alone.

Perhaps take some time to get quiet, lay down, and love yourself.

Love,
KC