Couples in long term relationships often bump up against life’s obstacles that can break down feelings of intimacy and pleasure between partners. Talking openly about their experiences of feeling close and fighting, learning about orgasm from each other, handling menopause and rediscovering fun in their sex life, Michelle and David tell what they notice about staying connected in their marriage.
How long have you been together?
Michelle: We’ve been together for 12 years.
David: 14 years.
Michelle: We’ve been together for 14 years.
David: We both had training in Deliberate Orgasm before we met and so it was immediately part of our relationship.
What was happening in your relationship that had you want more and have you attend the Advanced Couples Retreat?
David: We wanted to attend the advanced retreat because we had developed a distance between us and we weren’t as close as we wanted to be and we didn’t feel like we were giving our son the best role model for how couples should be together.
What have the benefits been for you with DOing (Deliberate Orgasm)?
Michelle: Well for me it is being able to use the energy that’s in my body. I feel more grounded after I have gotten DOne, more connected, not only to David but to what I am doing. I can focus and I feel gratified after getting DOne which gives me surplus to have more patience to be a kinder, gentler person. Then I can give some of that surplus away to another and that’s huge.
What I like about DOing David is for the pure pleasure of DOing him, not necessarily to ejaculate him but to take him on a ride to bring him up and down and have this dance together. I get to take him on that ride and it’s been really fun this weekend. I’ve done him a lot and I feel like I am so much closer to him because of that.
And in DOing we communicate, talk to each other along the way about the type of stroke and how it feels in my body and he’ll respond with how it feels in his so then we have a point of reference of how it feels and can go back in that moment in time when later we talk about our date.
And in getting DOne by David, I love how he takes control of my nervous system and takes me on that ride going high and coming down and how both equally feel as great. Again, it’s another way of feeling really close to him. One of the things that I wanted out of this weekend was to be closer and to have better communication with him and that has been attained partly, well mostly in our DOing. I feel really connected to him and it’s a great way to start or end the day or just to connect with one another.
David: Well for me the great thing about DOing is the fact that whether it’s DOing Michelle or being DOne, the goal is to have us both have our attention on the one persons pleasure, the person that is being DOne’s pleasure. It’s the most intimate of all sex acts or relationship acts because if you don’t have your attention on the other person then it doesn’t go well so when we’re both on the same wave length as it were, it feels really good mentally and physically.
How many times a day do you get DOne?
Michelle: In the course of our relationship it’s been 5, 6 times a day to once a day to, in some points of our relationship, even shortly before coming here, there was a long time in between our dates and my getting DOne from once a week to truly once a month. And during that time, I have to tell you that we didn’t get along very well, that we were at odds. I had so much energy built up in my body, I felt like a pretzel almost and I wasn’t very happy. Since coming here, we have had many dates in a day, 6 dates in a day and I feel like a new woman. I feel much more calm, grounded, happy, connected. There is a definite correlation between how I feel today and how I felt a month ago, back then not getting DOne and today having been done 6 times in a day. It’s been really fun.
It is always deliberate or do you sometimes have spontaneous sex?
David: Well I would say that in the recent past it’s been pretty much always spontaneous other than the last 3 days when it’s been always deliberate. So it’s a jump from one to the other. It feels better when it’s deliberate because there’s a certain comfort or stability that comes from the knowledge of what’s going to happen. Sometimes the spontaneous and unknown can be fun but on a regular basis I think that to have it be deliberate and to know that it s going to happen and to have the anticipation of it and whatever conversation we have about it leads to the whole experience being more intense and more fulfilling and more enjoyable so therefore you can look forward to the next time. With a spontaneous situation there’s always that possibility that it will be spontaneously bad.
David, what do you do if she says no to having a date?
David: I would say that in the last couple of years that if she says no, then the reason that she would give is I’m too tired or I have to go to sleep. I have gotten into the habit of just saying okay, instead of saying okay, that’s fine and how about right now?
Michelle: I love it when he does that part. “How about right now?” How about right now… yeah, that always works.
How does DOing effect your sex life or other sex acts?
Michelle: DOing in and of itself is a sex act and it’s fully gratifying a gratifying act and can stand alone. However it could also be added on to other sex acts. After David DOes me, my pussy is really engorged and his cock feels really good inside especially when his cock will touch upon or stroke one of my Thunkspots. My orgasm continues to flow from my clitoris through my Thunkspots and it’s really a truly profound experience. When properly stimulated, your clitoris is properly stimulated there’s engorgement that feels so, so good.
When I’ve been DOne, cock sucking is really fun, moving from one sex act to the other, everything gets turned on and is heightened. My whole epidermis feels alive so it doesn’t matter where he touches it feels good and that all starts with getting DOne.
How does orgasm affect your life outside the bedroom?
Michelle: Orgasm effects my life outside the bedroom in a very positive way, having been DOne having orgasm has me feel connected, solid, clear headed, in a place of surplus where I can give to others. It affects my work, the people that I come into contact with, how I can best assist them in a grateful and graceful way, to helping our son, having fun, it opens up a whole new realm of possibility when you come from a place of being gratified and you’re not needy and can help others and want to.
David: Being in a place of both the approval and the physiologically the endorphin release makes the world a brighter place you know you don’t need rose colored glasses if you have rose colored orgasm.
What does it feel like having an orgasm through being DOne?
Michelle: It ranges from very subtle to extremely intense. I can feel sensation in my clitoris and that sensation can expand out throughout my pussy down my legs, in my stomach, my breasts my lower lips. Sometimes my orgasm feels like it fills the room. Orgasm through getting DOne, it’s a way that David can produce an orgasm in my body every time and counting on that, knowing that I am going to be able to have that experience with him is so fulfilling. I don’t want to say that it feels safe, but knowing that I can count on that takes a lot of worry away the way my orgasm feels through getting DOne is bigger than any other sex act that I’ve experienced.
How long do your DO dates generally last?
David: We’ve had dates that were 10 strokes, because that’s what we had time for and they could be I don’t know, an hour and a half.
What have you learned from your orgasm that you have incorporated into your partners’ orgasm?
David: The thing that I’ve learned about my own orgasm that I‘ve learned from Michelle and from all of the training that I’ve had is that for guys, it typically it’s all about keep going keep going, spurt. Ok that’s all. Great I came, that’s the thing. Really what it felt like along the way was, as long as it didn’t hurt it was relatively unimportant what it felt like, it was all about getting to the finish line. So you were getting from A to Z and it didn’t really matter about all the letters in between. And so what I’ve learned is that every stroke is an opportunity for sensation and to feel pleasure and that there are times when we have DO dates when I do ejaculate and there are times that I don’t. In the early years of my sex life, I would’ve put those down as failures, like oh well, I didn’t come so that was an abortive attempt. Whereas now I would say, that felt good and that felt good and that felt good and that felt good too. So from having DO dates with Michelle I learned more about what she was feeling and from having that as the initial goal, let’s have it feel good, and let’s go from there.
Michelle: What I’ve learned from my own orgasm and incorporate in DOing David for his orgasm is that how much I enjoy going up and down and that can be done a number of ways. David will use a very light short stroke which inevitably will take me up and then when he wants to peak me he will either lengthen his stroke or apply a bit more pressure and that will take me on the down side of that peak. I have used that specific technique when I have stroked David’s cock, using really light strokes at the tip of his cock and then applying firmer pressure as I stroke his cock downward. It’s really fun to do to him what he does to me.
When you get stuck in your relationship, what do you do to start having fun again?
David: It’s well… it’s not fuck or fight, it’s DO or fight. We’ve been more in the habit of the fighting part and so what we walk away from this weekend with is the reminder that generally speaking it is going to be a lot more fun DOing than fighting.
And what is orgasm to you now?
Michelle: If I were going to restate the question it would be, what do you do when you get stuck in your relationship? And what we have done in the past on different occasions has sometimes worked and sometimes not but what’s sure to work is to tell the truth about what’s going on. I find in those times when we’re stuck that we’re not very friendly to each other. And I feel like we walk away from this weekend with shiny new tools in our tool belt that we really can use to be successful in our relationship and being friends.
Michelle, since entering menopause how has DOing affected your sensual life and the experiences you’re having in your body, how has it changed it or affected it at all?
Michelle: I can speak from the experience of going through menopause without getting DOne and with getting DOne and the differences are extremely vast. Going through menopause is a challenging time for any woman with all of the changes in her body and her mood swings and how her pussy feels or how she’s feeling about herself. I know that not getting DOne really heightened each one of those symptoms. I felt more hot flashes. I was not in agreement with them, I craved sugary, gooey foods. I didn’t feel good about myself. The difference between having those same symptoms and getting DOne is completely different. This entire weekend that we have been here, I have not craved anything gooey or sugary. I feel gratified. My body feels gratified. I feel good about my body. I feel pretty and turned on. David and I haven’t argued once. I don’t feel bitchy. Not that any of that can’t happen, but the differences are hugely dramatic when I feel the heaviness in my pussy and the energy to have David’s finger go on my spot, ah, the release, it feels so good. It feels like I’ve gone from crazy to centered and it’s just like that. I highly encourage and recommend DOing, as a woman going through menopause.
David: And there’s a big difference between crazy and centered so I would recommend the centered part too. That just makes me think that I failed to take responsibility for that and I now will. DOing had gotten to be a smaller part of our life and it never really occurred to me that there was something I could do to help. It was like “Ok, menopause is happening to Michelle and she’s happening to me” as opposed to, it is happening to us both and there’s something that we can both do to make it better for both of us.