The conversation turns toward expanding sensuality as fun, more pleasure and menopause is explored further. In this episode, a continuation of the last one, we present talk radio show host Rebekah Beneteau and her guest Yvonne Wray, a researcher, instructor and blogger from the Welcomed Consensus, both experienced in pleasurable menopause.
Rebekah: Good evening everyone and welcome. I am thrilled to have as my guest, a woman that I have just discovered, by the name of Yvonne Wray. I found her as a referral through Twitter to her blog Menopause Flashes – Turning up the Heat.
Yvonne’s background is that she’s a sensual researcher with the Welcomed Consensus. When she celebrated 50, she began her menopause blog which highlights her experiences and research into this topic. I think that she has a lot of really positive viewpoints about menopause and just about life in general – about living a pleasurable life.
Yvonne: Thank you, Rebekah. I’m glad to be here.
This conversation is a continuation of Episode 21 of the Female Orgasm Podcast.
Yvonne: So as I was saying, when I tell the truth about what I’m feeling, I find that it’s the same as I do in everyday life. It’s not just in menopause – every day my moods are changing. Every day how I am experiencing my life changes moment by moment. So when I communicate with my friend (what I’m feeling), and I’m telling him and letting him know what’s happening, that creates movement. It also moves the energy through my body. It moves the energy through my life and it opens up more possibilities for pleasure and enjoyment. That happens in conversations every day.
Rebekah: You mean we actually have to talk about how we are? That’s a big deal for some people!
Yvonne: Well, it was a big deal for me.
Rebekah: Yeah, to show up and be authentic about where I’m at right now. Huge! You’re saying it makes it better.
Yvonne: Well, the possibility – absolutely! Sometimes I don’t talk and I just keep everything to myself. I have to say, I’ve got a big brain. I like to try and figure things out, you know? I cogitate and spin and think and go through all these myriad of possibilities. I think about things like “Gosh, you know I have over a hundred hormones in my body? And what must be happening and how am I going to figure out how to control this body of mine and make it do what I want it to?” You know, all those different things.
Or not let people know anything is going on. “How am I going to cover up that I’m having manic mood swings from one hour to the next?” Whenever I keep it to myself I am a mess! I mean if you were my best friend you would not recognize me. You would think, “Hmmmm, she’s a shell of her former fun self.”
When I talk about what I’m experiencing, even when I think sometimes it might seem like really silly or dramatic or whatever, but if I tell the truth to my friends, to my partner, then the possibility opens up that something can change. Two people can relate over something in a pleasurable way because I’m telling the truth. It really takes ME communicating. I think you probably heard this before but one of the things about Deliberate Orgasm that we teach is that sensuality is a subset of communication.
Rebekah: Right. Absolutely. It’s just another form of my communication. Now, one of the things that I found, what happens for me is you know the story of putting a frog in boiling water? It will jump right out. But if you put it in cold water and gradually turn up the heat it will stay there until it boils to death. I think that is what happens to me with my mood swings. And it took me awhile to recognize what was going on – to the point where my husband was so distressed because I was using my inner space as a hall pass to be nasty. Then one day I woke up and realized that this was not serving me and it was not serving him. I had to turn it around.
So one of the things that we did was we started tracking my cycles so that we could start to see (what was happening in my body). I started being able to verbalize, like you’re saying, what was going on with me. One of the things I find is I still bleed, but in the seven days before my period I become hypersensitive. So what that means on a physical level is sometimes I can’t even wear a necklace because it is too irritating to my neck. Every emotional thing that usually I can take in stride like the dishes in the sink or the trash not taken out suddenly becomes something that must be dealt with immediately. I can’t live with it one more second. I just want to jump right out of my skin. And he just thought I was being a bitch until I was able to verbalize what my internal experience was like. Once I said it, it actually lessened. So I guess I’m just corroborating what you said.
Yvonne: Well, it’s interesting that you bring that up. You know I was saying that we have the Common Sensuality class online now. It’s called the Doing Essentials Teleclass. In the Teleclass one of the topics that it covers is heat cycles and (a woman’s) tumescence. Up and down, that sensitivity a woman feels in her body. All of those things. There is a basis for that. And there is something that men and women can track and it is something you can take advantage of and have a lot of fun with. But you’ve got to get on top of it and be aware.
Also in communicating, and I think you said this really well, communicating without anger. Being responsible for what is happening as a woman and really taking a look at where are you making choices for pleasure. Or not. You know you can change if you’re not, if you want to feel more pleasure.
That Teleclass is truly great because there’s a lot of people that are not aware of this cycle that happens. Even though it happens your whole life as a woman. The build up, the waning and that waxing and waning of energy in your body on a cyclic basis. And it just gets, in my experience, it’s just a little more erratic during this (menopausal) transition. But it still happens. And it still happens after you stop bleeding. Once you have your final period it still happens. These energy fluctuations, these cycles.
Being aware every day of my body through Deliberate Orgasm, that is one of the main tools that I use to keep being aware of what’s happening so that I can communicate without anger. So I can take advantage of the highs and lows to have a really fun time with my partner. I mean, there’s a lot of energy there.
Rebekah: Yes. Well, and the sensitivity can be used for good or it can be used for evil. It is my choice.
Yvonne: Yes, and there’s always that choice. And you know, that’s the great thing – when you get the information then you have a choice.
Rebekah: Right and you have the course, the six steps in The DOing Essentials Teleclass starting soon, right?
Yvonne: Yes, it is a three week Teleclass people attend over the phone. Twice a week there is a class session and each session is about 40-60 minutes long. There is homework, experiential exercises that people do inbetween the sessions. You can call in and listen to the lectures or they are recorded in case you can’t make it for the call. It takes three weeks, so in three weeks you get the fundamentals, the essentials of DOing, of Deliberate Orgasm. Not only the technique, like I said the stroking part which is very fun, but you get the underlying viewpoints too.
Rebekah: Now what if you don’t have a partner?
Yvonne: : It’s fine. It’s for anybody. It’s for men or women. For people who have a partner or don’t have a partner. It doesn’t really matter because these beginning courses, the DOing Essentials Teleclass and the Common Sensuality Class that we were talking about before, both begin with the individual. So it is the individual’s sensuality. The individual getting the information for themselves and experiencing themselves. Once you do that, of course you can spread it out to a partner or a friendship or use it yourself. It doesn’t require a partner.
Rebekah: Wonderful. You can find that at their website Welcomed.com. Now one thing I am getting, Yvonne, you can tell me if I’m right, is that that you really approach everything as research. I think that is a viewpoint that many people don’t have. They kind of look at experiences, “Oh that was bad sex.” Or “That was good sex.” Rather than “What would happen if? What happens when? Oh isn’t it interesting that this is how it went?”
Yvonne: Well, yes. That’s a good way to describe it. It’s like getting out of that judgmental mode and putting on that researcher-umbrella. Putting that kind of concept in there helps take those judgments out of there.
But I really have to say the viewpoint that is even more fun is that you do it for pleasure. That’s why I do it – the only goal is pleasure. When my goal is pleasure I find things that are pleasurable in every sex act that I have. I mean it’s kind of like pasta. Pasta is good even if it’s plain, right? You put a sauce on it and it gets a little better. You put a lot of time into it, maybe add a little sausage and it gets a little better. And the next time you might not want to put so much time into it so you just put a little butter and cheese. And that’s good too. There are a lot of ways to have pasta and it is all good.
Rebekah: I think Woody Allen said “I’ve never had an orgasm I didn’t like.”
Yvonne: Right. I haven’t.
Rebekah: Yeah, exactly. But I can hear people thinking, “Well what if I’m in a situation that is not pleasurable? How do you find your way out of a place that you feel is difficult and bleak?”
Yvonne: Again that’s where responsible communication comes in. It is so important. It is really so important to communicate. But also, and this is something that you do experience through the DOing Essentials Teleclass, is you learn what you like. You learn about your body. You learn about how your body works. And you learn about these concepts with a different model of orgasm and sensuality. By learning those kind of fundamentals of Deliberate Orgasm before you get with a partner – and this is why it starts with the individual – learning all of that and having all the basis to come into a relationship or into a sensual setting with another human being, then you are prepared to communicate. You have the tools. You have what you need to be successful and have a winning relationship. That is what I mean by winning. I mean you are coming (in to the situation) already a winner, already prepared, already turned-on, already knowing things that you desire and you want. It’s that way for women and it’s that way for men too. They’re coming in informed. They’re coming in open to communication and able to communicate things themselves that they’ve experienced. So with those kinds of tools you probably just would never get yourself into any situation like that.
Rebekah: Right, I mean what a delicious thing. Yes, arriving knowing what you want and you’re willing to take responsibility for having it.
Yvonne: And the other great thing is, because it’s deliberate, you know people often say, “Well, where’s the spontaneity?” There’s plenty. When two responsible people get together, two people who have the information get together or even one person who has the information who is able to communicate. Right from there, there are a lot of things that can happen that are spontaneous starting from that good place. I find it to be that way with menopause too. Once I had the information about what was happening in my body and I talked about it, I recognized the signs that were happening on a daily basis. Now I can communicate. I can communicate it and have fun with it.
Rebekah: Right. So tell us, what’s fun about a hot flash?
Yvonne: Oh my it’s so much fun. I know this is contrary. There’s a lot of people who would say, “No way, you cannot say that a hot flash is fun.” And I have actually thought that myself before I had the goal of having fun. Because I just had a lot of negative beliefs. Like I said, I had that clash of beliefs. But what’s so fun about a hot flash is, I’ll give you kind of a short version because I wrote about this in my blog and people can read about it menopause-flashes.com if you want to look that up. What’s fun about a hot flash? In a hot flash one of the things I experience is this intense rush of heat coming from my inner core in my body, right? And in seconds I can break out into sweats and my heart is rushing and I feel these fluttery feelings. It’s like “Whoooooo!”
Rebekah: Ah yeah, I was going to say that sounds like how I’d be if I met Antonio Banderas.
Yvonne: Yes. So one day I’m having this experience of a hot flash and I was about to whine about it, because you know, it was a hot flash and that’s what you do, you complain about your hot flashes and you whine about having a hot flash. Then I had a flash of my own – a mental flash. I was like “Wow, if I felt the same thing during a Deliberate Orgasm I would say it was great. I would love it. Why don’t I love it right now? Why don’t I call it fun right now? Why don’t I feel my body like I feel my body during a Deliberate Orgasm? They don’t last that long. A hot flash is a Flash! I better catch all the enjoyment I can out of right now or I’m missing it.” That’s how it’s fun.
It happens at unexpected times. That’s the thing that I had to get into agreement with, is I didn’t control or arrange anything. Those flashes that happen, for instance here I am, I’m talking and I’m in the middle of a dinner conversation and all of a sudden I feel like ripping my sweater off. You know, taking my clothes off and fanning myself. Well, I can whine about it, but it’s happening right now. I might as well have fun right now because it’s happening right now. I can let other people in on it too. I get this experience, that beautiful flush in my skin and let it glow. Let the turn-on out during that time, ooze turn-on. Because that’s how I feel now, you know, when I’m in agreement I just ooze turn-on. It’s so fun.
Rebekah: : I love that. I love that description. That’s really great. I think that you identified at first you had to get into agreement with the fact that it happened out of control. And I liken that to the fact that I want to go skydiving. I would pay someone to teach me, take me up and drop me out of a plane. But if I’m flying to San Francisco on United Airlines and they suddenly tell me I have to use my seat as a parachute, I’m completely freaked out! It’s how I frame it whether I feel in control of the situation or not, I guess. So your agreement puts you into control in this situation.
Yvonne: Absolutely, yes. Absolutely. That’s another way that I have it be fun for other people. I’m not trying to pretend like I don’t have a hot flash. I’m not trying to pretend that nothing is happening. Why not turn on? That’s how I make it fun for other people is I turn on when it’s happening. And I approve. I’m in agreement. Approval – other people feel it. Other people feel me approve of the hot flash, of myself, of being a woman and you know that’s a rare thing. Somebody who approves of being in menopause, being middle-aged, having things happen that are out of control, so to speak. It’s a really powerful way to live life. It’s taking those viewpoints that I’ve researched for 18 years with Deliberate Orgasm. It’s taking those viewpoints and using them. Whipping out those tools at the time it’s happening. At the time that it’s happening I make the choice to turn-on. I make the choice then. And that’s why I say I am just like every woman because we all have choices to make moment to moment.
Rebekah: Right. For me it really becomes a spiritual discipline and a practice. I feel like when I give into my negativity and my anger it’s easy, it’s cheap excitement and it’s lazy. And it takes a little bit of work to get into agreement with how it is. To find something to approve of and yes, to go for making every moment fun and pleasurable for myself and the people around me. No matter what’s going on.
Yvonne: It does take something from an individual to do that. You said that well. I think the payoff is huge. It’s huge when you do make that choice for fun and pleasure.
Rebekah: Oh absolutely. For me I belive it saved my marriage. And now we’re just having a fantastic time. It’s because I made that choice. We’re actually going to be married six years in April. And we’ve been together eight. When he found me I was living in an intentional community of sensual researchers like you, only in New York. So we got a lot of viewpoints that helped us win in our relationship but we were kind of slow students. It took me awhile to really incorporate them moment to moment. But that’s how it is, right? We always want to be working on something, why not ourselves? Why not on having more fun?
Yvonne: Yes, going towards having more fun is something you never stop. It’s not something that stops. It’s not like you’ve arrived and that’s the most fun you’ve ever had. You take pleasure out of every day and every moment. Like I said I find that’s how my life can keep getting better and better. As a practical thing, you know, I’m not just saying it, it’s happening and I’m feeling it. It’s the reality of my life, so…
Rebekah: Yay! It’s so good to know that our best years are not behind us.
Yvonne: I know, isn’t it? It’s fun. You know it’s been really fun to write about it. I’ve been writing about my experiences getting DOne since I became a sensual researcher. That’s been part of it. Writing journal entries, writing about not only the DO dates that I have and the sensations that I feel during Deliberate Orgasm but also about the things that I changed my mind about. And the clashes of beliefs and turning around prejudices, changing my viewpoints and adopting new viewpoints. All of those things I’ve been writing about for years. When I decided to write a blog on menopause that was a way that made it even more fun. I’m passionate about other women and men having the information and learning from the experiences that I’ve had. I have the luxury of being able to be a sensual researcher every day and have this be my life’s work. Whatever pieces other people can take for themselves, they can just take one thing and succeed with it. I’m happy about that. Just one thing. It’s through my blog, it’s my expression of that. I want women and the men who love them to be able take a piece away and have their life get better.
Rebekah: Mmm hmmm, right on. Well that’s how I found you through your blog. Thank you very much for enriching my life with your experiences and showing people who are behind you on the path what can be ahead of us. And what is possible. Well believe it or not we have two minutes left. That’s how quickly it went.
Yvonne: It’s been a lot of fun.
Rebekah: Menopause-flashes.com is Yvonne’s website. www.welcomed.com is the website for the Welcomed Consensus. As you know you can find me on WiseWildFeminine.com and if you are looking for a one-on-one coach or speaker for your organization to help you get into your most pleasurable life and start living as a turned-on woman get in touch with me. Anything else you want to leave the viewers with?
Yvonne: Rebekah, it’s just been a pleasure. I feel like menopause and having things get better and better with Deliberate Orgasm is possible (for anyone). It’s enriched my life so much. I am so pleased that we could talk about it today. I appreciate the opportunity to say the things I’ve said on the show and converse with you and have a good time. I could feel your turn on and it’s been a pleasure.
Rebekah: Well thank you. I recently committed to a practice of Deliberate Orgasm every day. I’m starting to catalog my experiences as well and I definitely find that it is life enhancing. So I hope everyone else is inspired. Perhaps you’ve been inspired by us today to cultivate finding pleasure in your life and Deliberate Orgasm every day. So Yvonne thank you. Everyone else have a wonderful, pleasurable, turned-on week. Good night.