Deliberate Orgasm - A Friendly Thing to DO
Episode 14 Female Orgasm Podcast Details
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How did you first feel about having a Deliberate Orgasm?
David:The concept of Deliberate Orgasm seemed perfectly reasonable, that would make sense to do that. So it wasn't anything that I'd heard of before, but certainly it is obviously an attractive proposition.
How often do you have a DO date?
David:That changes, it can be every day it can be infrequent. It really depends how we're getting along and which one of us is the first one to remember that if we're not getting along that the most friendly thing that we can do for each other is to have a date.
Who initiates a DO date?
David:I would say that I am the most likely the one to initiate the date, we may either start talking about it as a thing that we want to do in the not too distant future but probably when it comes right down to we're going to have this date, or we're not going to have this date is then it's usually me that gets it on track.
What do you say when you make the offer, when you initiate it?
David:I think initiating the date or making the offer, would usually just be something along the lines of why don't we make time to have a date tonight or often times in the morning, you know at nights tends to go by quickly for us, the evenings, so often times, I'll say why don't you wake me up first thing in the morning and lets' have a date.
How long is a DO date?
David:Well a DO date can be anything in time, I mean sometimes it's 10 strokes and sometimes it's as much as an hour we try not to let time or lack of time be a factor, if we've decided that we're going to have a date, then even if it is only 10 strokes then that's still worth something, it's worth doing.
What do you like about DOing?
David:The thing that I like about DOing most is the feeling of connection I think it's probably the most intimate thing that we do really in terms of, we're both there for the same purpose, for her orgasm and it feels good to be the person that is going to be producing that.
Have you had any challenges incorporating DOing into your sex life or daily life?
David:It's been something that I've been doing for close to 20 years so there have definitely been periods of time when it's been more challenging either from a work or family or whatever schedule, but I think that really some days the biggest challenge is just remembering that it's a lot more fun relating to a well cummed woman, and that even if you're not really getting along, the most friendly thing to do that you can go back in the direction of getting along is to start by having a date and so the challenges are more mental than anything else.
Do you communicate during DO dates?
David:We do communicate during DO dates, I think that I probably don't talk as much as I was trained to do and so we talk about the fact that maybe we could talk more as well, there could be more and that would enhance the experience.
When you do communicate, what is it that you say to each other?
David:Well the communication can be anything from again something that I'm noticing about her body or something that I'm noticing about the way that her clitoris feels under my finger or we may be talking about pressure or length of stroke or I may be telling her the direction that I'm going to take her and likewise she might be asking for more or less pressure, or longer stroke shorter stroke, or like that, so we talk about what's happening right now.
How has your sex life changed since adding on DOing?
David:Well adding DOing changes your sex life because it's well it's certainly more deliberate and it's more pleasurable and I think that it's, for me it's a pleasurable experience in and of itself just to have a date without expecting any reciprocity so it's a different way of relating to sex or to sensuality whereas prior to learning about DOing it was definitely more of an expectation of some kind of reciprocity and it makes it more intense because there isn't that thought of, ok, this is fine and when do I get mine, I mean that's not part of it, it may be that after the date, there will be some other activity but it's not expected or so it's somehow allows you to complete that cycle and then it's complete in and of itself.
How has your experience of Deliberate Orgasm changed over the years?
David:Well I think my experience of Deliberate Orgasm has changed in terms of having a better idea of the scope of what is available, it's like if you think the continuum is this long, then you operate in here, but then if you actually find out that it's this long or maybe infinite, then all of a sudden maybe you go beyond the boundaries that you thought were, that you find that they weren't real boundaries they were just some preconceived idea and so I think that the main way it's changed is that I don't see any limitation to what is available.
How long have you been with your current partner?
David:I've been with my current partner almost 12 years.
How has your experience of DOing changed over the 12 years?
David:Well my experience has changed because of the cumulative nature of the experience, so I think that I intuitively feel things about what she wants in terms of stroke or pressure or duration much better, like I can tell if, if she gets distracted or, we probably communicate a lot better both in the context of a DO date and also in the context of the rest of our lives because of that, because of when you really put your attention on somebody and really notice what's happening then it's hard not to do it outside the bedroom as well as inside, I think, so my experience is we're closer together mentally as well as physically.
Did you always have Deliberate Orgasm as part of your relationship with your wife?
David:We always had Deliberate Orgasm as part of our relationship but there were definitely times when it was not our number one priority, it started off as our #1 priority, when we first got together that was our number one priority and that sort of waxed and waned over the years but at the moment, we're definitely in an uptake as far as that is concerned, so we're back to putting Deliberate Orgasm as a very high priority in our relationship.
When DOing was not a priority in your relationship, what had you stop DOing her?
David:Well when DOing wasn't a priority it was that we weren't getting along, we were not finding each other right we weren't approving of each other and so it becomes increasingly more difficult or less likely to actually initiate the date when it seems, when you don't feel friendly toward each other it's hard to make that first friendly move and so I think we got into a cycle of we loved each other but we didn't like each other, conceptually it seemed like a good idea but we always seemed to find a reason to avoid it.
What had you reintroduce DOing into your relationship?
David:We reintroduced DOing because we made a conscious decision to get our relationship back on track and to first and foremost renew our friendship and DOing is a very friendly thing to do.
What are a couple of key elements to experience better orgasm?
David: Key elements to experience better orgasm, willingness, I think some people are unwilling to admit that there may be something else, I've had conversations with people who have said, there's nothing wrong with my orgasm, I didn't say that there was anything wrong with it, I'm just saying that maybe there is something more available to you, I think that for a lot of people they get tied up in right and wrong and so willingness would be the first element and of course technique, I mean if you don't know what to do and when and you're fumbling in the dark then it's pretty unlikely that you're going to experience superior orgasm. I feel very fortunate to have actually had some of that training.
What does the guy get out of it?
David: I think the first thing that the guy gets out of it, speaking fully from my experience is the satisfaction of knowing that he's taking care of his woman.
What do you feel when you put your attention on her body, or even before you touch her?
David:When I put my attention on her body, I feel closer to her I feel more connected I feel more in love with her, yeah, connected.
What do you feel when you are DOing her?
David:What do I feel when I'm DOing her, well when I'm DOing her, I think that there are a lot of different feelings. I mean it goes all the way from confidence to sometimes even doubt, is this right?
Or how am I doing? And I'm constantly checking in or you know does she want more less, should we go up, should we go down, so it's an interesting balance between well, I think if I keep my attention on her, then I don't have the doubt so if I have doubt, or if I have other thoughts then I know my attention is going away so it's that kind of being able to see that in the moment and get my attention back on her.How does having your attention on your wife affect her, what do you notice?
David: When I've got my attention on her, she is happier, she is softer, I think she's more confident, and she makes sure that I get taken care of when my attention is on her.
What effect does your attention have on her?
David:The important element to having my attention on her and how that effects her is that I've got my attention on her and that I'm approving of her, because obviously you could put your attention on somebody and find them wanting, have your attention on negative things, so, it's important. Without the approval the attention would certainly be suspect. You know I think she would feel that there was something wrong with the attention if she didn't also feel my unconditional approval.
How do you know what kind of strokes to give her when you are DOing her?
David:Really the simple answer is I know what kind of stroke to give her because we talk about it, I don't have to guess.
Specifically, how has DOing added to your sex life?
David: I would say DOing has added to my sex life by sort of broadening it, and it's added to my sex life by making it more intimate, by making the communication between us that much better and so because of that we have more fun and because of that we have more sex . I think it also means that it's something that you know, can go on forever, I think that sometimes people have a sense that ok, my sexually active years will be this and this and then after that it will stop or something I don't know, but I don't see any limit to it, so, I think it can keep getting better which is a fun prospect.
What would you tell someone who is interested in DOing?
David:Somebody that was interested in DOing, I would say you know, run don't walk towards this information, have an open mind, there's going to be some information that you don't expect but I would say it can only be a positive thing, I can't imagine a circumstance where it doesn't enhance somebody's life.
What do you want men to know about DOing?
David:The thing that men need to know about DOing is how little they know, that you sort of don't realize how little you know until you learn the new stuff and I think they need to know that they need to set their egos aside and just know that if they don't know about DOing then they are sort of almost sexually crippled they're missing out on a lot of fun and if they truly want to give their partner everything that they deserve and that they truly love them then they're doing everybody a big disservice by not learning about it, but I think for a lot of people they do have to check their egos at the doors, guys tend to have that, Oh, I know everything about sex and it's stunning really, how little people know.
Where do you think most women prioritize their sensual pleasure?
David:I think most women would prioritize their sensual pleasure as number one, but I think that in reality it often goes down the list because they're not or because they become disappointed you know it's like, this isn't the way I thought it would be or this isn't what I want so then I think they're women are inclined to sort of subjugate what they want because of societal norms and so I think it's the guys responsibility to make sure that the women knows that her sensual goals are important and that he's there to make sure that those goals are met.
Before you started DOing, did you think it was possible to feel as much as you do when DOing her?
David:No, I think before I started DOing, I had no, I had no clue that what was possible, in terms of feeling, I think that you know and I still from time to time am sort of pleasantly surprised by just the amount of sensation that I feel in the tip of my finger when it's on her clitoris and barely touching I mean it's amazing that you can feel that much in it, but I mean I think that some of it is definitely some of it is about the learning and the practice and doing it, but also the willingness to do it.
What do you do to feel more?
David:I would say the two things that I do to feel more are first of all to relax and to be willing to feel more, just to notice and to make sure that my attention is on her and my attention is on feeling and be willing to have that much.
Do you think most women are honest about how much sex they really want?
David:I think women are sometimes honest about the amount of sex that they want depending upon the quality of the sex that they think they are going to get, I think there are some societal norms that they think about, I think that in general my experience in speaking to women is probably that they always want more then they say that they want.
What do you want in a relationship?
David: In a relationship the number one thing that I want is a partner and a friend, and I want honesty and I want to feel that it can continue to get better.
What did you enjoy about the Common Sensuality course?
David:Well it's been more than ten years since I had last done the Common Sensuality Course. I enjoyed being reminded of some of the things that I sort of knew in the back of my mind, but it was like oh yeah that, I should be doing more of that.
What was one of those things that you heard this time that you said, oh yeah that's right?
David:The two things were approval and attention and certainly the unconditional approval you know it's hard some days to unconditionally approve and I think it's good to be reminded that you know it really is in my best interest to have my attention on my wife and to unconditionally approve. It's not difficult so much to unconditionally approve it's just some days it's difficult to remember to do that because it's so easy for your attention to go back on yourself and to start filtering everything through the, what about me?
But at the end of the day, it doesn't work very well.What makes DOing a friendly thing to DO?
David:If you are friends with somebody then it's a friendly thing to put yourself in a position where you're responsible for creating a superior orgasm for that person and so I think you almost, with the benefit of hindsight you almost have to ask yourself, if you're not prepared to do that then where is your attention and it's probably on yourself and it's hard to do anything very friendly to anybody if your attention is on yourself so I think DOing is friendly because it's almost the ultimate act of putting your attention on somebody else, for the goal of them having a superior orgasm, I can't think of any more friendly thing than that.
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