Posted by Jenna on March 12, 2008 at 18:24:

In Reply to: We don't give advice but we will offer a viewpoint or two... posted by The Welcomed Consensus on February 09, 2008 at 17:38:

It has been awhile since I asked for your advice. I carefully considered what you wrote in the response, there is a lot there to take in. I wanted to thank you because right away I made some decisions about what I wanted between the times we make love, based on these postings. What a difference it has made.

While reading, I liked the idea that sensual contact could include so many different activities, that it could be woven through everyday interactions with him. The words “sensual contact/sensual pleasure” kept rolling through my mind along with images of what that meant to me. I began to look at what we did together in that light and did my best to describe it to him. He wanted to know more, so I showed him my question and the reply. I am glad I did. It spurred a long, and frankly, very stimulating discussion that we’ve kept revisiting these past weeks.

One example - I told him how I typically approach having sex - that I wait until I feel the urge for it. He told me he typically initiates only when he feels the strong drive for it too and knows that I am receptive. He even said he was afraid that this was the time in our 12 year relationship where his sex drive was waning and there would be a lot less sex, still good sex, but that it would probably dwindle down through the years until we were more like buddies than lovers. This worried him a great deal. He knows I enjoy making love, that it has been an important part of our relationship and he very much wants me to be happy.

It was a relief to be talking and to go ahead and approach sensual contact differently. Rather than waiting for the sex drive to kick in, I have chosen to initiate when the good feelings are there. To my delight it is quite often! I realized that I had to drop my expectations and “shoulds” about the sensual contact always leading to the bedroom. Sometimes it does go there, sometimes it doesn’t. He has also followed my lead by suggesting things I enjoy. We have found ways to incorporate DOing, something that before this seemed only a prelude to making love, however now it is great fun on its own.

Overall I’d say we aren’t making love more or less often, that isn’t even the point any more. What has happened is that I feel more gratified by his attentions than ever before and he feels good knowing he is giving me experiences that I want. We are both more communicative and happier.

He and I are in new territory now. I am going out on a limb here, but I believe we have begun to form a new model for making love that will keep us feeling like lovers, like sensual partners from now on. Since we are in the beginning of all of this, I’m sure I will have more questions. For now I wanted to fill you in. Thank you and if you have any more to say, let me know.

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